Chistes de spammers :D

[Alx]

Joe Borro...aquí to dios sabe inglés menos tu y yo

[massmediaas]

Ok, don't shoot me if I actually read this joke on this forum in the first place...

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

[AugustoRuiz]

El otro que ha entrao...

Durante una visita a un Asilo Mental, un visitante preguntó al director qué criterio utilizaba para determinar si un paciente debía ser internado o no.

"Bien," dijo el director, "llenamos una bañera, y ofrecemos al paciente una cucharilla, una taza de café y un cubo, y le pedimos que vacíe la bañera."

"Ah, ya entiendo," dijo el visitante. "Una persona normal usaría el cubo, porque es más grande que la cucharita y que la taza."

"No." Dijo el director. "Una persona normal quitaría el tapón. ¿Quiere una habitación con vistas o sin vistas?"

[Zemman]

Este ultimo es muy bueno.

[na_th_an]

Asilo Mental

"Manicomio", pa los amigos

[AugustoRuiz]

Jurl... Esto de la traducción a la carrera es lo que tiene...

[Borrocop]

....

[na_th_an]

Ufff - es que tengo mucho curro en el trabajo (o mucho trabajo en el curro, como prefieran)

[chinespilots]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "you know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[na_th_an]

¡¡QUE CHISTES MÁS VIEJOS, POR DIOS!!

[maxtermax]

It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class. He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm wriggled about in the water. Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol. The worm immediately died. The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of the demonstration was. A boy raised his hand and said.....

[MickaMause]

Hello!

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

[AugustoRuiz]

Qué bruto... XD

Dos amigas, una rubia y una pelirroja, van por la calle y pasan por delante de una floristería. En ese momento, la pelirroja ve a su novio comprando flores.

La pelirroja deja escapar un suspiro y dice "¡Mierda! Mi novio me está comprando flores..."

La rubia la mira con cara de no entenderla y le dice "¿No te gusta que tu novio te regale flores?"

La pelirroja le dice, "Me encanta que me regalen flores, pero mi novio siempre se crea expectativas después de regalármelas, y la verdad es que no me apetece tirarme los tres días siguientes echada de espaldas con las piernas en el aire."

A lo que la rubia le responde: "Pero... ¿no tienes jarrones en casa?"

[asistmaxa]

Mastermind

Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question: "In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?' Seamus responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?", Seamus Responds .."Pass"
"OK" said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?" Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus... Tell the English Nothing..."

[mastrochili]

Buying Presents for the Wife

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

[Skorpiodude]

Hello

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.

[kisslovegirl]

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

En Español te partes aun mas(*)

Una mujer del fiftyish saltaba en el país, feliz hacia arriba y hacia abajo en su cama y chillando con placer. ¿Su marido la miró por un rato y entonces pedido, "usted tiene idea cómo es ridículo usted mira? Cuál es la materia con usted?" La mujer continuó despidiendo en la cama y dicho, "no cuido. Acabo de venir de tener un mammogram y el doctor dice que tengo los pechos de 18 años." El marido dijo, "qué lo hizo él dice sobre su viejo asno de 55 años?" "su nombre nunca vino para arriba," ella contestó.

(*) Nota del Traductor:

[ReskoRasko]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[na_th_an]

A fiftyish woman was at home, happily jumping up and down on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while and then asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

En Español te partes aun mas(*)

Una mujer del fiftyish saltaba en el país, feliz hacia arriba y hacia abajo en su cama y chillando con placer. ¿Su marido la miró por un rato y entonces pedido, "usted tiene idea cómo es ridículo usted mira? Cuál es la materia con usted?" La mujer continuó despidiendo en la cama y dicho, "no cuido. Acabo de venir de tener un mammogram y el doctor dice que tengo los pechos de 18 años." El marido dijo, "qué lo hizo él dice sobre su viejo asno de 55 años?" "su nombre nunca vino para arriba," ella contestó.

(*) Nota del Traductor:

Esa traducción no puede estar peor ¿babelfish?

La "gracia" del chiste es que culo y asno se dicen "ass" en inglés. Y eso de "su nombre nunca vino para arriba" es en realidad "no hablamos nada de tí en toda la conversación".

Básicamente:
- El médico dijo que tengo los pechos de una chica de 18 años.
- ¿Y qué fue lo que dijo sobre tu culo (asno) de 55 años?
- No, no hablamos de tí para nada.

[AcrobatLove]

The last things a woman would ever say

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just
friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that
way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the
armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

[ValientRurk]

President Clinton will always be remembered as: 'The President after Bush.'

During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a
picture of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen the woman.
Bill Clinton replied, 'I've come across her face a couple of times.

[TramPamLan]

Hello!

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

[DigiFerman]

A chicken and horse are walking across a feild together when the horse falls into a deep hole.

" help help" shouts the horse

" don't worry " says the chicken , and runs of and comes back with the farmers sports car , he ties a rope around the bumper and throws the other end down to the horse , " hold on to this and i will pull you out".

the chicken jumps in the car and drives foward pulling the horse out of the hole .

next day the two of them are walking across another feild when the chicken falls into a deep hole , " bugger" says the chicken , "go and get the farmers sports car again "

the horse looks down and says "don't worry chicken , grab hold of this"
and lowers his penis down the hole , the chicken grabs hold and the horse steps back pulling the chicken out of the hole.


The moral of this story is you don't need a sports car to pull chicks if you have got a big cock.

[NiceMiss]

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

[ManForBeer]

A mother and her son were flying 'Southwest Airlines' from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The stewardess asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, 'Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.'

[AugustoRuiz]

Me lo acaban de mandar al correo, y me ha parecido tan bueno que os lo pongo aquí...

Una mujer llega a casa muy pronto del trabajo y...

Se encuentra a su marido en la habitación haciendo el amor locamente con una tremenda, rubia, bella y espectacular, hembra infernal...!!

- "¡¡Eh, desgraciado, mal nacido, infiel, hijo de la gran puta!! ¿Qué haces? ¿Cómo te atreves a hacerme esto a mí, a tu esposa fiel? La abnegada madre de tus hijos...¿?¿?¿?¿? ¡Me voy de esta casa! ¡Quiero el divorcio ya mismo cabronazo!!!"

- "¡¡Espera..., espera... un momento!! Antes de tomar esa decisión, por lo menos escucha lo que ha pasado !!!"

- "Hummmmm, no sé..., bueno, será lo último que te permita que me digas ¡¡Peeeeeero que sea rápido, cretino, mariconazo !!!"

- "Bueno, lo que pasó ha sido lo siguiente: Mientras volvía a casa en el en el coche, esta bella joven me pidió que le acercase a un albergue. La vi tan indefensa y sola que accedí a llevarla. Noté de inmediato que estaba muy delgada, mal vestida y sucia. Me contó que hacía 3 días que no comía la pobre... Con gran compasión y dolor, la traje para casa y le calenté los tallarines que te preparé anoche y que no te comiste porque dijiste que engordabas... la pobre chica prácticamente los devoró. Luego, como estaba muy sucia, le dije que usase nuestra bañera para darse un reconfortante baño caliente.

Mientras se bañaba, vi que su ropa estaba sucia y rota... así que se la tiré a la basura. Le di esos vaqueros que hace años que no usas porque te quedan apretados.... La blusa que te regalé para el aniversario y que no usas porque dices que no pega con nada... El suéter que te regaló mi hermana para la Navidad y no usas para molestarla... Y las botas altas que compraste en esa lujosa zapatería y que nunca más te has puesto desde que tu amiga se compró unas iguales...

Al final, cuando la joven se iba muy agradecida y la acompañé a la puerta, se volvió y con los ojos llorosos me preguntó:"

- "¿No tendrá usted otra cosita que su señora ya no use?"

[The Punisher]

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole!"

[sportsforever]

Open wider

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

[enterChamps]

Hello

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." 'How did you know?"
his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,"
he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting
away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them
all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked."
The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."

[Black Hole]

seal = sello, seal = foca ... un caso de homonimia, pero el chiste es malísimo !!!