Chistes de spammers :D
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Chistes de spammers :D
PUES ESO, EN VEZ DE BORRAR ESTOS MENSAJES, SIMPLEMENTE LOS IREMOS METIENDO EN EL MISMO HILO -EDITADOS PARA QUITARLES LA PUBLI QUE AÑADEN, CLARO-. ASÍ PODÉIS ECHAROS UNAS RISAS (LOS QUE ENTENDÁIS INGLÉS).
Hello!
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" Exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" He asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
Hello!
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" Exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" He asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
- Konamito
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- Black Hole
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- Konamito
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Fart Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"
One of those questions women ask
Hello my boys and girls!
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.
He said, She said
Hi
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
Porterhouse steak
A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being
seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK".
The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow? "
He said, "She'll have a Salad."
seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. When the waiter arrived, the rancher said," I'll have a BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK".
The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow? "
He said, "She'll have a Salad."
Re: Porterhouse steak
........
Última edición por Borrocop el 24 Abr 2007 17:18, editado 1 vez en total.
- EightBiter
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-
- 256 bits
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Jejejeje... Borro...tenemos que aprender Ingly pero ya! que nos perdemos unas cosas...
---> http://www.curso-ingles.com/nivel1.php
---> http://www.curso-ingles.com/nivel1.php
1:1 Amarás al Spectrum por encima de todas las cosas
- Benway
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Pero tú no estabas con el japones?Alx escribió:Jejejeje... Borro...tenemos que aprender Ingly pero ya! que nos perdemos unas cosas...
---> http://www.curso-ingles.com/nivel1.php
- Zemman
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Women Skinny
Women Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
years later
16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
16 years later
16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."
"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
Teacher
Hello
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ’penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ’penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ’penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ’penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’s word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Blind Pilots
Hi
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "you know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "you know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
- Metalbrain
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Un viejecito de Carolina del Norte tenía una gran granja desde hacía varios años. Había un gran estanque en la parte trasera, muy bien acondicionado con mesitas de picnic, horseshoe courts(*), y algunos manzanos y melocotoneros. El estanque estaba preparado para nadar cuando se hizo.
Una tarde el viejo granjero decidió bajar al estanque, pues hacía mucho que no iba, para echar un vistazo. Cogió un cubo para traerse algo de fruta.
Al acercarse al estanque, escuchó voces gritando y risas.
Al acercarse mas, vio que había un montón de jovencitas empapadas chorreando en la parte baja de su estanque. Hizo notar su presencia y las mujeres se fueron todas a la parte mas honda.
Una de las mujeres le gritó: - "¡No saldremos hasta que no te vayas!"
El viejo frunció y replicó: - "No he venido aquí abajo a veros nadar desnudas o ver como salís del estanque desnudas" - Levantando el cubo, continuó:
- "Estoy aquí para alimentar al caimán."
Moraleja: Los viejos pueden seguir pensando rápido.
(*) ni puta idea de lo que es esto, ni siquiera tras ver las fotos de google images.
Una tarde el viejo granjero decidió bajar al estanque, pues hacía mucho que no iba, para echar un vistazo. Cogió un cubo para traerse algo de fruta.
Al acercarse al estanque, escuchó voces gritando y risas.
Al acercarse mas, vio que había un montón de jovencitas empapadas chorreando en la parte baja de su estanque. Hizo notar su presencia y las mujeres se fueron todas a la parte mas honda.
Una de las mujeres le gritó: - "¡No saldremos hasta que no te vayas!"
El viejo frunció y replicó: - "No he venido aquí abajo a veros nadar desnudas o ver como salís del estanque desnudas" - Levantando el cubo, continuó:
- "Estoy aquí para alimentar al caimán."
Moraleja: Los viejos pueden seguir pensando rápido.
(*) ni puta idea de lo que es esto, ni siquiera tras ver las fotos de google images.
- AugustoRuiz
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Esta es una traducción relativamente libre...
Un día, cuando la profesora se acercaba a la pizarra se dió cuenta de que alguien había escrito "pene" en letras muy pequeñas. Se dió la vuelta, escrutando a los alumnos, para ver si encontraba al culpable. Viendo que no lo encontraba, rápidamente lo borró y empezó la clase.
Al día siguiente, entró en clase, y vió la misma palabra en la pizarra, esta vez escrita un poco más grande. De nuevo volvió a mirar a los alumnos en busca del culpable, pero fue en vano, así que procedió a dar la lección del día.
Cada mañana, durante una semana, ella entraba en clase y encontraba la misma palabra escrita en la pizarra. Cada día era un poco más grande que el anterior.
Finalmente, un día entró en la clase, esperando encontrar la misma palabra en la pizarra, pero en vez de eso se encontró la siguiente frase:
"¡Cuanto más lo frotas, más grande se vuelve!"
Un día, cuando la profesora se acercaba a la pizarra se dió cuenta de que alguien había escrito "pene" en letras muy pequeñas. Se dió la vuelta, escrutando a los alumnos, para ver si encontraba al culpable. Viendo que no lo encontraba, rápidamente lo borró y empezó la clase.
Al día siguiente, entró en clase, y vió la misma palabra en la pizarra, esta vez escrita un poco más grande. De nuevo volvió a mirar a los alumnos en busca del culpable, pero fue en vano, así que procedió a dar la lección del día.
Cada mañana, durante una semana, ella entraba en clase y encontraba la misma palabra escrita en la pizarra. Cada día era un poco más grande que el anterior.
Finalmente, un día entró en la clase, esperando encontrar la misma palabra en la pizarra, pero en vez de eso se encontró la siguiente frase:
"¡Cuanto más lo frotas, más grande se vuelve!"
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- Karnevi
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Dice que no tiene ningún interés en verlas desnudas y que sólo va a alimentar al caimán... Pero miente, el caimán no existe y sólo quiere ver a las tías... Diciendo eso consigue que salgan del agua de la manera más rápida que puede.Borrocop escribió:Gracias colegas....
El primer chiste pues no le entiendo bien, me quedo igual casi...
- AugustoRuiz
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Dos hombres, vestidos de piloto, suben a un avión. Ambos llevan gafas oscuras, uno lleva un perro lazarillo, y el otro va golpeando el suelo frente a sí con un bastón.
Algunos de los pasajeros no pueden contener una risilla nerviosa, pero los dos hombres entran en la cabina, cierran la puerta y los motores se ponen en marcha. Los pasajeros empiezan a mirar alrededor, buscando alguna señal de que esto es una broma. No encuentran ninguna.
El avión se mueve más y más rápido por la pista, y la gente que está sentada junto a las ventanas se da cuenta de que el avión va directo a un lago que limita con el aeropuerto. Como parece que se lo van a comer, los pasajeros empiezan a gritar, angustiados. En ese mismo instante, el avión se eleva suavemente.
Los pasajeros se relajan y empiezan a reir tontamente, y poco después empiezan a leer sus revistas, al darse cuenta de que el avión está en buenas manos.
En la cabina, uno de los pilotos le dice al otro: "Sabes, Bob, uno de estos días van a chillar demasiado tarde, y vamos a morir todos..."
Algunos de los pasajeros no pueden contener una risilla nerviosa, pero los dos hombres entran en la cabina, cierran la puerta y los motores se ponen en marcha. Los pasajeros empiezan a mirar alrededor, buscando alguna señal de que esto es una broma. No encuentran ninguna.
El avión se mueve más y más rápido por la pista, y la gente que está sentada junto a las ventanas se da cuenta de que el avión va directo a un lago que limita con el aeropuerto. Como parece que se lo van a comer, los pasajeros empiezan a gritar, angustiados. En ese mismo instante, el avión se eleva suavemente.
Los pasajeros se relajan y empiezan a reir tontamente, y poco después empiezan a leer sus revistas, al darse cuenta de que el avión está en buenas manos.
En la cabina, uno de los pilotos le dice al otro: "Sabes, Bob, uno de estos días van a chillar demasiado tarde, y vamos a morir todos..."
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